Oddly enough, the thing I'm finding most difficult to do since receiving the results of hubby's CAT scan and the decision was made to go the chemotherapy route is to pray for him.
We had prayed for God's promised divine healing (by Jesus' stripes we are healed) before and after surgery. We prayed for it still after the results of the CAT scan. But when the time came to either start chemotherapy right away or wait 6 weeks, have another CAT scan and go from there . . . well, my husband (courageously, in my opinion) admitted to not knowing with 100% certainty that he was healed. So his chemotherapy began this week. The first two days were were a snap -- no nausea or anything. Some acid reflux and a bad case of the hiccups on day two seemed to be it. But then the evening of day two he ate something that didn't agree with him, was getting worn out by the hiccups,threw up a bit and has been at a steady state of 'bleah' since then.
Yesterday was the worst day -- he hardly ate, slept fitfully until about 11 PM, and we did not go to the weekly family ministry night at our church. The last part was particularly difficult for hubby. Not only was it one more thing he couldn't do, but it was something of great importance to him.
Today he was up and around more, ate a good lunch, but was reminded that ginger ale does not sit well with him when he's feeling nauseous, and just went to lay down a little while ago after apologizing for being such a downer. I'm thinking tonight is hard for him as it's normally our date night -- our time to go out for supper, a good coffee, and some wandering around various stores.
(Here's a thought -- someone should start a latte-to-go business. I could really go for a good latte right now. We have an espresso machine, but it's getting kind of old.)
I'm feeling so ineffective the times I do muster up the courage, I guess, to pray for hubby and with him. It's not that I don't believe God's Word and promises . . . I just feel like I don't have the faith-ability to lay hold of them. I was telling my mom in a tear-filled conversation I feel like I have no faith at the moment. It seems I prayed for one thing and the opposite happened.
:-P
Ack, maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.
I'm struggling with so much and am not even sure how to express it. Where do we go from here? Where is God in all this?
I want my husband to be healthy and whole.
I want my prayers to actually accomplish something.
I want to have our pre-cancer life back, please.
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